Title - Hormonal Blues Author - Donna Email address - donnah@pop.uky.edu URL - www.geocities.com/Area51/Quadrant/4571/ Category - MSR Spoilers - Per Manum Keywords - MSR, angst Summary - All those chemicals in her body, surely she was affected Feedback - Please Disclaimer - Mulder, Scully, the Lone Gunman and Skinner all belong to Chris Carter, 10-13 and Fox. No infringement intended Hormonal Blues He'd been reluctant to leave her last night. He'd wanted to offer to stay, but wasn't sure it was appropriate or even if she wanted it. He knew for sure it had been a mistake when he got to the office the next morning and found her message. She was going to take a couple of days. He supposed he wasn't really surprised at that, but the fact that she'd left the message at 3:20 a.m. upset him. She'd made sure she called when he wouldn't be here to get the message in person, and she hadn't called his apartment. She knew he was home and that no hour was too late to call him. Mulder shook his head; okay she was upset. That was understandable. But he didn't think she should be alone. Of course this was Scully. He glanced at his watch. He had to call; he had to make sure she was . . . she was okay, but then he'd give her space. She didn't answer, so he had to leave her a message. Had she gone out of town? She did know he was here for her, surely she did. A couple of days . . . okay, he could do that. Well, he'd thought he could. He did try, but found himself calling her number, even when he didn't leave a message. He was actually a little embarrassed at the number of messages he'd already left, but hell, he was worried about her. When she didn't appear on the third morning, he'd had enough. Even if she had gone out of town, she should have called. He grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair and headed out. He was surprised to see her car, but relieved as well. He trotted to her door and knocked. There was no response. He knocked again, harder this time. He heard the deadbolt disengage and felt a flood of relief "Mulder." She stood in the doorway, not inviting him in. "Hi, uh . . . How you doing Scully?" "I'm fine." He winced slightly. "Good. I'm glad. Uh, could I come in?" She took a moment to think about it, then nodded finally. She stepped aside and he entered, but stopped just inside and turned to watch as she closed the door. "Scully, I thought, uh, you said you were taking a couple of days." She nodded. "Well . . . well I expected you in today." She looked away, "You're right, I should have come in." "No, that's not what I meant. If you need more time . . . I just needed to hear from you. I need to know you're okay." "I said I was fine." He could feel his temper beginning to rise. "Scully, you've been away for awhile, I wanted to check on you. I wanted to make sure . . . Scully, I was worried about you." "There's no need - " "No need? Are you serious Scully?" "Mulder, maybe you should go. You've check on me, I'm obviously fine - " "You're obviously anything but fine." His voice rose. She looked at him defiantly. "I think you should go. I'll be in tomorrow morning." He blinked at that, she was asking him to leave? "That's it, you want me to go?" "I think it would be best." "Best? Best for who? Best so that you can throw up another wall between us?" She turned from him and his hand shot out to take hold of her arm. She didn't fight him; she just froze in place. The Ice Queen had reasserted herself. "I gave you time, against my better judgment, time alone. I knew you were hurting. I wanted to be here for you, but I gave you what you asked for. Did it ever occur to you that I might be hurting too?" She glanced up and quickly away. "Yeah, Scully, me too. When I agreed to this, I told you I didn't want it to come between us. This is what I was talking about." "It didn't work, it's history now." "History? You stayed home to mourn alone for history?" "I wasn't - " "Mourning? Well, I can tell you, I was. I wanted that baby. I wanted a child with you." Now she was staring at him, her mouth opened slightly in shock. "What? You thought I was just going to loan you some DNA and disappear back into the basement? I agreed to father your child. I thought that you asked me because you had feelings for me, not because I'm 6'1" or still have my hair. I guess I was wrong, I guess I was wrong about a lot of things." He turned then and moved toward the door. He had it open before she spoke. "Mulder?" His shoulders' tensed, but he stopped, his back to her. "Don't . . . could you stay a minute?" "Why? Haven't you used me enough?" Even he cringed at the bitterness in his voice, but hell did she really think he had made the decision that lightly? Had it not occurred to her that he wanted to be part . . . She had moved around him now and he could see her pale face and noted that she was trembling. "Mulder, I . . . I didn't think you - " "And you didn't ask, did you? You just assumed I had already done my part and you moved on. I'm supposed to be the loner, Scully. But it's not me, it's you, it's always been you keeping your distance, making sure I didn't get too close. Well fine, Scully. But you remember that for a little while, my sperm, my DNA, hell my child was in your body. If you didn't want to get closer, then . . . " He realized her trembling had increased to shaking now and it was like a splash of cold water in his face. What the hell was he doing? "Scully, I . . . " She looked like she was going to faint. His arms went around her of their own will and he held her against him. She didn't reciprocate; her hands were fisted around his lapels. "Scully, you need to sit down." She didn't appear to hear him, just clinging to him, and he realized tears were slipping down her cheeks. God, he was a shit. She'd just lost her only chance to ever be a mother and he came over here and browbeat her? He led her to the couch and started to seat her, but she hadn't released him, so he sat beside her. "Scully, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come over here, I shouldn't - " "It's never going to happen." "What?" She was speaking so low and more into his chest than anywhere else. She shook her head and burrowed in deeper. "Let me make you some tea, Scully." Her fists tightened on his coat and he discarded that idea. She needed him to stay right where he was, for now at least. "Scully?" He was stroking her hair, her shoulders. Her shaking was lessening but hadn't quit entirely. He rested his head on her hair and felt guilt and despair threaten to overwhelm him. When he felt her grip loosen, he looked down again. "Can I get you anything?" She shook her head and started to sit up. His arms tightened around her. He realized it and started to relax, but she sighed and sank back against him. He felt her rub her cheek against his chest. "I didn't mean to shut you out." Again it was such a low whisper he nearly missed it. "It's okay." "It's not okay, but I couldn't help it. I . . . " She looked up at him, "You mourned . . . " He let his lips press against her forehead, "Yeah. I wanted it, Scully. I think . . . at first, when you blew me away with the request, I thought maybe I could do it just for you. But then I thought about it and, and I realized I wanted it too. Guess I didn't make that clear. I'm sorry." "I should have known. Maybe I didn't want to." "Why?" "Jealousy. You can still have kids, I'm the one - " "Scully." He put his finger gently against her lips. "It's you and me or no one at all. Remember, you're the only one I trust." Fresh tears filled her eyes then. "But you - " "Shh. Not gonna happen Scully. You and me, just like the past six years. No one gets between us or keeps us apart." "I'm sorry." "Scully, don't - " "I'm sorry I can't give you that; I'm sorry I pushed you away." "You were hurting. I don't always come running to you when I'm in pain either." "You don't?" He actually chuckled at that. "Okay, I do, but I hoped you didn't realize." She cuddled in again. "I feel so empty. I feel like I'm eternally empty." He closed his eyes at the pain those words caused. "Scully, I never see you that way. I never could." "But it's true. I'll never - " "Scully, you know more about this than I do, but there are donor eggs, and - " He stopped when she shook her head. "You don't have to decide right now." "No, it's . . . even if I wanted to, I can't . . . I can't afford it." He looked at her, puzzled. "How much, how much have you spent?" He'd concentrated on the procedure, not the cost. She shrugged, letting her head fall back against his chest. "Come on, talk to me." "It's . . . a little over $10,000." "Ten . . . Scully, why didn't you tell me?" She looked up then, a little surprised. "I didn't . . . that wasn't . . ." "And you didn't think I'd want to know?" She sighed, "I didn't want you to feel obligated for any of the expenses, or child support or - " "So you really did think my involvement would end when I jerked off in a cup?" "I - " "Scully. Six years. Give me a little credit." "I . . . I don't know, I don't know why I'm like this." "Maybe it's all the stuff they've pumped into your system." She drew back from him slightly. "You know about . . . " He shook his head, "Of course I do. I had to know what they were going to do to you. I did my research. How do I make you see how important you are to me Scully?" She looked down abashed. He raised her chin with his forefinger. "Scully, I have to admit, no one else has ever asked me for what you asked, but what you need to understand is, even if they had, the answer would have been no. You're the only one I would ever consider this with." She silently searched his eyes and saw the truth in them. "I wish I could have given you this." "And I'm grateful for all the things you have given me." Her brow furrowed then, "What . . .?" He shook his head and pulled her back against him. "Oh, nothing important; my sanity, my legitimacy, your support and friendship and companionship and your gentleness, your beauty . . . " "You . . . you think I'm beautiful?" "Damn." He breathed into her hair. "Yes, Scully. I think you are the most beautiful woman in the world, bar none. Why haven't I been able to get you to see this?" "We shouldn't . . . you shouldn't . . . we're partners Mulder." "Scully, we passed being 'partners' about three years ago. When you got sick and I thought . . . I realized then how much more than a partner you were." "You were the only one I called." His arms tightened then. "It was the only thing that felt safe." He closed his eyes, remembering. "Thank you." She felt his lips press against her hair and without conscious thought, turned her face up to him and met his lips with her own. For less than an instant he considered that this might be a bad idea, but when her lips parted to give him access, nothing else mattered. His tongue slipped into her mouth, taking possession of her. He realized what he was doing when she moved against him. Had she been trying to pull away? He looked down and saw her startled look. "Scully, I'm sorry, I - " Her lips cut him off at that point and he felt her invade his own mouth. Scully? Oh god . . . They were both breathing heavily when they broke apart. He didn't have a clue what to say. "Could you stay here with me for awhile?" She asked quietly. He nodded, still unsure of his voice. He was AWOL but that was the least important thing in the world right now. He saw that her eyes were drooping, and her body was truly relaxed finally. "Scully, when's the last time you slept?" She shook her head. "Why don't you sleep now? I'll be here." She looked at him for a moment, then nodded. To his surprise, she didn't move toward her bedroom, crawling into his lap instead and settling in. She was asleep in an instant. He sat there in awe; holding her, loving her, knowing for the first time that she understood how he felt. His eyes didn't leave her until they closed themselves in sleep. END